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Xena XXX: An Exquisite Films Parody

Exquisite/Paradox Pictures

Genre: Parody

Director: Jordan Septo

Cast: Chanel Preston, Randi Wright, Tommy Pistol, Nicole Aniston, Tommy Gunn, Juelz Ventura, Lee Stone, Lexi Belle, Seth Gamble, Phoenix Marie, Rocco Reed

Length: 167:37 minutes

Date of Production: 5/2012

Extras: The best extra was the 46:26 minute long Behind the Scenes feature, the director dealing with various technical matters as the cast hammed it up. There was a lot of honesty in the featurettes for those who bother to watch it, the resulting entertainment value increased as a result. There was also a cumshot reel, a photogallery, and some trailers (3x); all the extras included on the second disc.

Condoms: None

Audio/Video Quality: Xena XXX was presented in anamorphic widescreen as shot by director Jordan Septo for Exquisite(under his Paradox Pictures line). Paul Woodcrest and Alex Ladd manned the cameras here, Jordan tackling the editing chores himself while the rest of his team included fight “choreographer” Tim Weske, stylist Roberto Sotello, makeup guru Lisa Sloane, costumes by Castle Corsetry, and sound by Freddy Fingers. Given previous works, I knew the technical matters would be handled competently, some of the camera framing not to my liking (especially in the ending sex scene between the leads) but the lighting and other visual elements decently taken care of. The sets included some outside in wooded areas, an Olympus-lite, and various marketplaces and bars (as well as a bedroom of sorts); all of which helped make this one give a more mainstream appearance, none of the extras credited this time. The aural qualities included a score appropriate enough that I thought it was above average, easily heard vocals, and some audio special effects complementing the visual ones a fan of the original source material would expect.

Body of Review: Jordan Septo has long been a quality director of gonzo porn, my biggest appreciation over the years being for his “big ass” flicks though he rarely let me down in other genres as well. These days, I cannot vouch for his gonzo credentials (I can’t judge what I don’t see) at Exquisite but the talented man has certainly been carving a name for himself in the parody market, tackling projects people really want to see. His latest making it my way is called Xena XXX: An Exquisite Films Parody, the movie starring hotty Phoenix Marie as the titular character, Lexi Belle cast as her cute female sidekick Gabrielle. Unlike some of Jordan’s more focused parodies, this one kind of rambled along a bit with a limited amount of story to support the sex scenes, several of the performers enjoying their chance to ham it up in campy fashion as the show was pornified. Before I get too far into the review, it should be noted that I watched every one of the original episodes as well as the Hercules series it spun off from, but I did not expect the parody to emulate the source material too closely. Frankly, the series changed so much over the years it aired, even changing several of the characters at will, that this form of fan fiction should merely be taken as a pleasant exploration of the overt sexuality the series hinted at but never had the ability to display. Phoenix and Lexi were great in their roles but were limited by the script that did not even include them much until the movie was well underway, my contention again proven that a tighter script is needed in this type of parody. Still, it was fun to watch and the sex was at least as good as anything else on the market in the genre, the rest of the ladies including Chanel Preston, Randi Wright, Juelz Ventura, and Nicole Aniston, while the men were Tommy Gunn, Lee Stone, Tommy Pistol, Seth Gamble, and Rocco Reed.

With a cast like that, no matter what they did with the feature elements, you know the flick would be strokable, the campy flavor of major parts of the series captured just as the more dramatic elements being equally favored. The back cover described the movie like this: “Xena and Gabrielle are on a journey to help a friend in need. They find their long time friend and confidant, Hercules, who is on his own journey. Together they face both mortals and Gods from their past. Some are friend, some are foe. Whether they are on or off the battlefield devouring their enemies or devouring each other, the encounters are always intense and epic. When the dust settles and the action appears to be over, Xena and Gabrielle have their long awaited intimate time together that brings the excitement up to a whole new level.” Here’s a brief look at the scenes by cast and action, noting that no condoms were used for those still interested:

Scene One: Chanel Preston and Randi Wright, two curvy wenches in need of seed, were up first as they tried their luck against the “king of thieves” Tommy “Autocyclus” Pistol. In terms of the overall plot and story, this was pretty disposable but Tommy gave a fair presentation of the Bruce Campbell character, just sleazy enough without going too far but not so oily that he was not sympathetic. They made a deal to get out of debt though and Tommy was soon gobbling gash, Chanel and Randi making out as well as sharing themselves with each other along the way. The threesome included ample oral efforts by all three of them and some fingering, the ladies’ juices flowing before they double teamed him to slob his knob. Chanel aggressively throated the guy and Randi seemed attuned to his modest member, the ball licking and noises a mixed batch but still enhanced by the plentiful eye contact. The ladies did some face sitting as Tommy took turns banging both of them, the ladies loudly suggesting they were getting off as they actively rode his pecker vaginally. As always, Chanel’s ass was perfect and inspirational, the genetic juice freely flowing on Randi’s ass as Chanel engaged in clean up and cumswapping with her,

Scene Two: Nicole Aniston, a busty blond bombshell in flowing robes, was up next as she engaged her powers of Aphrodite to combat the willful ways of Tommy “Ares” Gunn. They also made a deal, her compliance enhanced by her desire to prove to him that love always trumps war, her loving lips wrapping around his cock to pleasure him before his turgid rod began going balls deep inside her moistened snatch. She was bent over a table to continue the tryst, her shapely ass looking as sweet as ever as he tapped her deeply, the missionary less inspiring given her lack of enthusiasm though she did provide some eye contact as they carried onward. This led to her showing she was not a slacker by aggressively riding him in cowgirl fashion, pumping her ass cheeks to allow her pussy full access to his cock, the couple spooning to en it with some population pudding launched all over her crotch.

Scene Three: Juelz “Alti” Ventura, a heavily tattooed hotty dressed in the same renaissance festival garb the others were in, was up next with Lee “Draco” Stone once Cupid’s arrow worked its magic on her libido. They kissed and he went down on her, a wisp of pubic hair present as he ate heartily of her loins. He then lifted her in the air for his trademark standing oral, Juelz blowing him as he continued to pleasure her in the awkward position. He then let her back onto the ground so she could kneel before him, her aggressive blowjob certainly showing the skill of the ancients. The messy hummer then led to various positions of vaginal sex, the cowgirl positions showing her to be most active. Juelz did some taste testing and they both sweat up a storm, the man depositing his load of spunk to her mouth before the scene abruptly cut away.

Scene Four: Lexi “Gabrielle” Belle, the sexy blond featured on the right side of the front cover, was up next with Seth “Cupid” Gamble, his arrow missing the intended target (a common theme in the show) with expected results. She was all over the drunken god of romance, her already skimpy attire dropping to the floor as she kissed and prepared him for some fun of her own. She positioned herself to blow him in coy fashion, the gal using hand, mouth, and noises to get him erect. In return, he went down on her as she shook her hips, those purring noises she likes to make enhancing the outcome before he began hammering away at her neatly trimmed crotch. The vaginal positions included missionary, spoon, cowgirl, and doggy, her best for showing how active she could fuck certainly being the wonderful cowgirl though she looked fantastic in the doggy with her leg spread so far off too. There was taste testing along the way by Lexi and the ending wad of splooge came courtesy of his hand directing the juice towards her face, the outcome leaving her smiling.

Scene Five: Phoenix “Xena” Marie, the brunette featured on the left side of the front cover, was up next as she hooked up with lost love Rocco “Hercules” Reed when he came to warn her of the plot afoot. She was substantially better cast than he was here, her strong legs and arms much more readily comparable to those of Lucy Lawless (back in her heyday) than Rocco was to Kevin Sorbo. Still, the costuming was close enough for a porno, their hands pawing each other as he nuzzled her neck and felt up her ample rack. This led to him using his hand on her pussy (initially under her loincloth/leather skirt), Phoenix kneeling in front of him to inhale his pecker orally as she applied some hand to gland combat to enhance the levels of friction he received. She really showed the others how to blow a guy, her eye contact being the icing on the cake as she took him into her mouth to the bone, his leather pants remaining on as she serviced his rod and balls. This prolonged hummer led to him porking her pussy, the strong vaginal leading to and even harder anal drilling of the young lady. Phoenix gave up some dirty talk too, the gal taking charge of the anal romp by reversing roles to squat above him and allow his cock to penetrate her even deeper. There was ATM and choking as well, Rocco losing his load of ball batter as he tossed off into her anal gape, the couple kissing deeply in a display of affection and chemistry at the end.

Some action sequences were interesting.

Scene Six: Phoenix Marie, having won the day once more, was up in what is perhaps the most common lesbian fan fiction encounter of all time, her character of Xena doing Gabrielle (Lexi Belle). Unlike the massive amount of ladies that do gay for pay lesbian scenes in the industry, these two have proven plenty of times to really enjoy the touch of another woman. They slowly disrobed in the harem styled setting, savoring one another orally at great length, some whispers and light caresses enhanced by a multitude of kisses. They took turns going down on each other and fingering too, moving into a 69 and some scissoring action on the modern couch covered with modern sheets and pillows. The setting details aside, the lesbian tryst was satisfying sexually, their mutual chemistry making this a decent sexual capper to a set of very decent trysts.

Summary: Xena XXX by director Jordan Septo for Exquisite continued the director’s successful parody efforts in style, my personal appreciation for Phoenix Marie and Chanel Preston (and Lexi Belle, who can forget such a beautiful young lady?) helping to elevate the rating to a respectable Recommended. There were nods to the original show that I enjoyed, some minor misfires, and enough fuck for the buck that parody fans will find this just as strokable as Jordan’s other releases, fans of the original show possibly enjoying Xena’s character going both ways as the series often suggested (apparently, there were so many lesbian fans when the show aired, that later seasons became increasingly overt about the lesbian possibilities though it could be argued the character was always written as a sexual omnivore). In short, Xena XXX: An Exquisite Films Parody was closer to the source material than a great many industry attempts at parody, the sexual trysts enough to satisfy time and again so give it a look, the second disc of extras enough to give fans of the cast some glimpses into the production and the fun they had making this one.